


Loyalties

by Narushika (MonkeyZero)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, danzo as always is a big bag of dicks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-17 16:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13662606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonkeyZero/pseuds/Narushika
Summary: Kakashi always wondered what went wrong between him and Iruka, but when he finds the answer in a mission file knows they have to find a way back to one another.





	Loyalties

**Author's Note:**

> -probably doesn't match up perfectly with canon, but more or less follows the timeline  
> -Tsunade is somewhat OOC. I think she comes across much less understanding and more manipulative in this fic, even though she's one of my favorite characters. But I kind of wanted to get to the ugly parts of village politics.  
> -this is meant to be a one-shot, but I'm not opposed to adding a little more down the line.

Tsunade was gone again, and Kakashi stood in the hokage office, surrounded by files and paperwork. He hadn’t wanted this role, but he was a tool to serve the village. Nothing else mattered to him anymore. He had spent the last several days with Tsunade, going over protocols, any ANBU he didn’t know, and all of Konoha’s less pleasant secrets. Deciding there would be no point in going to bed, Kakashi settled at his desk and flipped through what paperwork Tsunade had left him, though she had been kind enough to do most of it. 

Kakashi was just dozing off when he detected a foreign presence, and then there was a knock on the door. “Enter,” Kakashi said, then frowned to see Sai walk in, holding a file

“Hokage-sama,” he said. “I was unsure whether to approach you with this, but I have concluded that with the recent turn of events I owe my loyalty to you, even in matters that may contradict Tsunade’s wishes.”

“What are you talking about, Sai?” Kakashi asked.

Sai hesitated, then said, “Tsunade did not want you to see these files. They were meant to be destroyed. But as you are now Hokage, I deemed it appropriate to intervene and gather information for you.”

“I appreciate that Sai,” Kakashi said reaching out for the file. It didn’t surprise him that there were things Tsunade didn’t want him to know--he’d expected it--but that didn’t stop the bitterness. Then he opened the file and saw an all too familiar face staring up at him.

Images filled Kakashi’s mind of being pulled into Iruka’s apartment, straying hands and heated kisses, a soft mattress, strong brown legs wrapped around his waist, the expression Iruka made when he came… After that first time there had been making breakfast while Iruka sat on the kitchen counter sipping his tea; massaging Iruka’s shoulders as he graded papers; Iruka guiding him to the shower and gently stripping and washing him after a tough mission; cold days between missions spent under Iruka’s blanket in an apartment that felt more like  _ home  _ than anywhere else Kakashi had ever lived; slipping out undetected; soft, warm lips against his; safety and comfort and more love that he had thought he could ever deserve.

From the start Kakashi knew he hadn’t been worthy of Iruka. He was a broken man, holding himself together with duty and apathy. But Iruka had changed him in a quick six months, and Kakashi had just allowed himself to believe that somebody might love  _ him _ \--not the copy ninja, or Sharingan Kakashi, or the Hatake heir, but  _ him,  _ just Kakashi. 

And then one night Iruka had told him it was all a lie.

Kakashi dismissed Sai, read over the file, then stood up to make his way to Iruka’s apartment.

 

When Iruka was awoken by a pounding on his door at three in the morning, he instantly recognized the chakra as Kakashi’s. He had wondered if this would happen from the moment Kakashi was named Hokage. Tsunade had promised Kakashi would never know the truth, but there was only so much that could be done to keep information from the Hokage.

Iruka stumbled to the door, and let opened it to see Kakashi, flanked by two ANBU. “By all means, come in Hokage-sama.” Iruka said, turning the light on and gesturing to the sofa. He did, however, shut the door in the face of the ANBU. They would likely listen in, but Iruka didn’t want to see them when he had this conversation.

“You’re still in the same place,” Kakashi commented, looking around at the familiar furniture. “I remember you bending me over that coffee table.” Kakashi smiled, but Iruka just stared at him.

“Is that what you’re here for Hokage-sama?” Iruka asked. “Because if you want me to spread my legs for you again, it’ll have to be a direct order.”

“You’re good at following those,” Kakashi muttered, and Iruka knew he knew the truth. “I read the file,” Kakashi said after a pause.

Iruka took a seat on the sofa, gesturing for Kakashi to sit beside him, then said, “I’m sorry Kakashi. I didn’t want to do it.”

“It was an order,” Kakashi said, but after a pause he said, “I can’t have expected you to defy your Hokage, but I just wish… I think I’ve said before that those who abandon their friends to follow the rules are worse than scum.”

Iruka gave a hollow laugh, then said, “You’re right, Kakashi: I’m a selfish coward. I don’t really have any excuse other than that I didn’t want to have a convenient ‘accident’.”

“Accident?” Kakashi asked.

“Compliments of Danzo,” Iruka said. “Don’t you understand Kakashi? We’re pieces, and you’re more important than me. Keeping your success rate up was more important than our happiness.” Iruka shook his head, blinking back the tears forming in his eyes.

“Iruka,” Kakashi growled. “Please tell me what the fuck happened.”

 

_ Iruka left Kakashi’s bedside, wishing he could have stayed longer. But they were friends who got a drink sometimes, maybe lunch together. He didn’t have the luxury of holding Kakashi’s hand until he woke up, kissing his cheek or asking for any information that wasn’t common knowledge, because nobody could know. When he fell in love with Kakashi, and then into bed with him, Iruka had more or less signed himself up for a long-term stealth mission. They were both good at that, and though Iruka hated it, the stolen moments he had with Kakashi were something he wouldn’t trade. _

_ “Iruka-sensei?” Iruka looked up to see Kiba jogging towards him, Akamaru at his side. _

_ “Kiba,” Iruka said with a smile. “How are you and Akamaru?” _

_ “We’re good,” Kiba said, patting Akamaru’s head. “Hokage-sama wants to see you.” _

_ “Alright, thank you for getting me,” Iruka said and made his way to Hokage tower. He hoped he wasn’t getting a mission. It would be a short one given his Academy schedule, but it would take away what precious little time he had with Kakashi. When he got to Tsunade’s office, she was pacing around angrily. _

_ “You’ve been sleeping with Kakashi,” she said as soon as the door shut. Iruka’s heart thudded to a stop. _

_ “Yes Tsunade-sama,” he said. “That is allowed within the ninja code.” That was technically true, but did not follow the spirit of the law. Ninjas could have sex: it was a way of relieving stress, and could strengthen bonds between comrades without necessarily complicating things too much. Sex was fine, even encouraged. Marriage was important for passing down bloodlines and providing a new generation of ninjas. But love… love was messy and a threat to a ninjas capability to perform their duties. Emotions were all or nothing, and a good ninja kept the lid tightly shut. Allowing oneself to feel love led to all the other unpleasant feelings, feelings that resulted in dead ninjas. _

_ So Iruka and Kakashi had been well within their rights to sleep together. It was when they fell in love that they crossed a line. _

_ “A ninja owes their loyalty to the village, and the village only,” Tsunade said. After a pause, she said, “tomorrow is your birthday?” _

_ “Yes,” Iruka said slowly, not liking where this conversation was headed.  _

_ “It isn’t like Kakashi to run right into a trap,” Tsunade said. “Not unless he was rushing home for some reason.” Suddenly Iruka felt he couldn’t breathe, but Tsunade continued, “his back was fractured. If he had fallen just a little differently, he could have been paralyzed. Do you know what would happen to this village if our best ninja were to become paralyzed?” _

_ “We would be compromised,” Iruka murmured. _

_ “This is an issue that has concerned Danzo for quite some time,” Tsunade said. “I wanted to believe Kakashi could be involved with you without jeopardizing his job, but today has proven that he cannot. Danzo would like to eliminate this problem, but I thought you deserved the chance to ehandle this situation yourself. Everyone here is quite fond of you, and if you were to have an accident several of our younger shinobi would suffer.” _

_ “I understand,” Iruka said, fighting the taste of bile in his throat. “I will end my relationship with Kakashi at the next opportunity.” _

_ As he turned to leave, Tsunade called after him, “He can’t go holding on to hope.” _

_ Iruka shut his eyes, then said, not facing her, “I understand.” _

 

Iruka waited a month, dropping subtle hints of resentment, stirring tension into their relationship. He became steadily colder, complained about the secretive nature of their relationship, and made excuses to see Kakashi less. After a month it blew up into a fight, and Iruka delivered the killing blow.

_ “If you don’t want to be with me, just say so!” Kakashi had hollered. _

_ “Like that’s easy to say!” Iruka spit. “You’re the great Sharingan Kakashi. You think it’s easy for a chunin like me to just say no to you?” _

_ Kakashi took a step back, stunned. “You--you always seemed like...I thought.” _

_ “It’s what you wanted to think,” Iruka said. “Satisfying you--I do my duty to my village--but I can only do it for so long.” _

_ “I was a duty to you?” Kakashi screamed. _

_ “What else did you think?” Iruka asked. “You always get what you want, don’t you.” _

_ “I loved you,” Kakashi said. “I still love you.” _

_ “No you don’t,” Iruka said with a cold laugh. “You aren’t capable of something like love. Friend killer Kakashi, that’s what they call you, don’t they? Do you really expect anyone to believe that someone like you can love?” _

_ Kakashi reeled backwards. “You said you loved me,” he murmured, the hurt and betrayal clear in his eyes. _

_ “I said what you wanted to hear,” Iruka said. “I tried to love you--I did--but you don’t make it easy for people to love you. I thought I, if anybody, could do it, but I just can’t Kakashi… I just can’t.” _

_ “If that’s really how you feel, I’ll leave you alone then,” Kakashi said, and teleported out of Iruka’s apartment. As soon as Kakashi flickered out of his life, Iruka screamed in pain and anger. He sunk to his knees and lay on the floor in the fetal position.  _

In order to carry out this mission he had destroyed a part of himself, because he knew he had to destroy Kakashi as well. It wouldn’t be enough for Kakashi to lose him, feel the pain and move on. He had to make sure Kakashi gave up all hope of loving and being loved. He had to turn Kakashi back into that emotionless shell he had been when they met. And so he’d spent weeks choosing the worst words, the things to say that would hurt the most. And he had seen Kakashi break right in from of his eyes.

It wasn’t over: Iruka had to continue to act as if he didn’t care about Kakashi. He let nobody guess that anything about him was different, but around Kakashi he acted somewhat relieved, slightly happier. And then a few night later he went to the same bar as Kakashi and made sure he watched as Iruka took another man home.

It took Kakashi seventeen days. For seventeen days he was a wreck, his exposed eye was puffy, he barely left his bed. Iruka watched him from a distance, and was unable to comfort him. But seventeen days later, the part of Kakashi that loved and feared and felt was dead. He went back to his life, did what was required of him and appeared casual and uncaring to those around him. And if he was a little more violent on missions, a little colder to his friends, nobody commented. Once again he was the copy-nin, friend killer Kakashi who felt nothing and served as a simple tool for the village. He was nothing.

Iruka couldn’t help but feel hurt that Kakashi didn’t pursue him, moved on so fast, and never looked back. But Iruka knew Kakashi, and he knew Kakashi had nothing left to give. And so Iruka did what he could to keep the hurt at bay, and though his hurt never healed, it became the new normal. 

 

Kakashi sat in shock, not believing Iruka’s story. But at the same time, he knew it wasn’t in Iruka’s heart to hurt somebody like that unless he had a reason. For so long he had thought he was just that repulsive for Iruka so speak to him like that, but now…

“It was real,” he said in shock.

“Kakashi, I know you may hate me now,” Iruka said. “But I want you to know that I truly did love you. And you made me happy, made me feel so loved after I’d been alone for so long. It was so real.” 

“Why would I hate you?” Kakashi said. “You had no choice. It was an order--a mission.”

I was paid for it,” Iruka said bitterly. “I spent the money on Naruto--I couldn’t bear to keep it--but it doesn’t change the fact that I sold you out. I loved you, and I used that to betray you. When I wake up the first thing I feel about is how much I regret it. I wish I had died.”

“No,” Kakashi said. “No matter how much you hurt me, I never would have wanted you dead. I loved you.” Kakashi took a breath. “I still love you,” he said.

“Kakashi,” Iruka cried. “I never stopped loving you.”

With that, Kakashi pulled Iruka into him and they cried together. Kakashi could count on his fingers how many times in his life he had cried, but he couldn’t stop it. The lid had sprung open, and everything flooded him at once. All the pain he had kept at bay for so long crashed over him.

They laid on the couch for hours, holding one another, knowing that it had been real, they had been real. Eventually the rays of morning sunlight shone through the window, and Kakashi groaned.

Iruka twisted away from him and walked to the kettle. “I imagine the Hokage has some very important meetings,” Iruka said. 

Kakashi walked over and wrapped his arms around Iruka’s waist. It was a familiar gesture, but his arms seemed to have forgotten it over the years. “I can make you breakfast,” Kakashi said. “Like I used to.”

Iruka smiled and nodded. “I’d like that.”

Kakashi hummed as he prepared breakfast and watched as Iruka got ready for the day--disappearing into the bedroom to get changed, wandering around the room gathering his things. When his bag was sitting by the door, Iruka walked back to the kitchen and hopped up onto the counter. Kakashi handed him a cup of tea--brewed just the way Iruka liked it.

“This is weird isn’t it,” Iruka said. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t think there are words,” Kakashi said. Words would never be enough to explain the guilt, hurt, relief, love and anger. 

“I don’t suppose we can pretend nothing ever happened,” Iruka sighed as he blew on his tea. Kakashi shrugged, but they both knew the answer. “Kakashi…” Iruka said. “I think we were meant to be together. No matter what, we’ll find a way back to one another.” He reached out to tangle their fingers together. 

“I only want to be with you, Iruka,” Kakashi said. “Will you come over tonight? We can talk, or not talk or just... “ Kakashi reached out and brushed his thumb against Iruka’s bottom lip. Iruka smiled and wrapped his arms around Kakashi’s neck, guiding him towards him until their lips were brushing against each other.

“Like you said,” Iruka murmured, “Maybe it’s not words that we need.”

**Author's Note:**

> -meow-meow-motherfckr.tumblr.com


End file.
